how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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