i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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