Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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