Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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