I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize