so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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