I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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