You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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