we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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