I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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