I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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