How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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