its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
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P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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