god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize