The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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