the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize