I can tuck mytits in my pants
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
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I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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