I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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