Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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