he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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