Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
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