I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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