The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize