there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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