Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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