In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
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I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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