After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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