Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
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I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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