What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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