i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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