By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Too much gin, very little bucket
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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