He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
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I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She even gives head with a lisp.
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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