I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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