Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize