I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
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I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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