DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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