I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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