if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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