I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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