I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
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Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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