the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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