Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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