Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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