So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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