I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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