If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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