One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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