I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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