He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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