I can text with my tongue
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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